Goku's Cooking Tips l Season One l
by MrTennek
Summary: Goku holds a weekly and often hazardous cooking show, offering all sorts of amazing recipes and helpful tips.
1. Episode One

(cut to Goku wearing a chefs hat and bib)

Goku - Well hello folks! I'm Goku and welcome to 'Goku's Tipping Cooks Hour'! Err...I mean'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour! Yeah, thats right! (clears his throat) Now today we will be making an absolutely scrumptious Baloney Casserolle! Now first you take two extra thick layers of noodles and stick baloney in between each of them! Then, you add some delicious creamed baloney on top of it all as a wonderful sauce! And then, to complete the dilectable package, we add some sprinkled baloney bits all over the top! And voila we have a 'Baloney Casserole'! Now, just stick this baby in the oven for...um...I forget...(laughs embarrassedly) Uh, (whispers out of the side of his mouth) what's the frickin'  
time for cooking this thing!

Crewmember - 20 minutes!

Goku - WHA!

Crewmember - 20 MINUTES!

Goku - Hmm, well folks it seems as if we're experiencing some techinical difficulties here! We'll be back in one moment! (does the 'cut' signal)

(silence)

Goku - (grabs the TV cameras violently) TURN THESE FING THINGS OFF-

Message: We apologize, but we're currently experiencing some technical difficulties.

(in the background): WHAT IS THE MOTHERFBEEPING COOKING TIME YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING ASSWIPES-

(suddenly cuts back)

Goku - (strangling a crewmember violently) (notices he's back on TV) Oh! Hello again folks! (drops the strangled crew member) While we're waiting for my beautiful casserole to bake in the oven, I might as well show you a wonderful desert to serve with this meal! (walks over to another counter) I call it 'Goku's Special Creamed Baloney Delight'! First, you take two cans of creamed baloney and pour 'em into a bowl; then you dump a cups worth of curdled milk and soy sauce in with it and voila! You have a creamed baloney delight! (sniffs the bowl) Mmmm mmm! Baloney-licious! (smiles stupidly)

suddenly a loud buzzer goes off

Goku - AAHHHH! IT'S A BOMB! (flings himself through the wall and covers his head)

Director - ...

Goku - (cowering) Huh! Oh, silly me! It's just the darn oven! (laughs) Ah, how stupid of me...(whispers at the crew) When I'm done with this fing show, I'm going to ram this casserole up your assesNow folks, let's take a look at how the Casserolle turned out! (pulls a smoldering handful of gunk out of the oven) Erm...Well, it seems as if I left this sucker for too long in the oven...(laughs nervously) Just a minute folks.

(cut to black)  
(sounds of Goku murdering a crewmember)  
(cut back to the show)

Goku - (covered in blood) You know, it's a good thing I keep a backup casserole in case of situations like this! (looks around frantically) (laughs angrily) What happened to my backup casserole...

Director - Er, Scott from editing ate it for lunch a while ago...

Goku - (face turns red and begins to bulge with veins)

Director - Well, if it's any consollation, he's been running to the toilet and complaining of severe abdominal cramping ever since he ate it!

Goku - (gives the director a death glare) Well now, what a funny day this has been, eh folks! Let's just cut to later on at dinner to see what my guests think of the casserole!

(later on, at Goku's dinner party)

Goku - (emerges from his kitchen wearing a tophat and bowtie) Well here we are at dinner, and here are my wonderful guests!

(camera pans around showing Vegeta, Bulma, Yamcha, and Gohan)

Vegeta - You know Kakarott, you look like a complete moron dressed like that

Goku - Ah hahahaha! Such great humour at my dinner gettogethers! (pulls out a baton from nowhere and whacks it over vegeta's head)

Vegeta - (slumps over face first into a dish of Goku's baloney casserole)

Goku - Heh, would you look at that! This guy loves my cooking so much that he can't even wait for all of us to start! (laughs again)

Chichi - Goku, I think he's dead

Goku - And now, let us all say grace before eating...Oh Lord, thank you for this bountiful meal of baloney and meat byproducts that you have bestowed upon us...

Gohan - Amen!

Goku - (hits Gohan over the head with his tophat) QUIET! I'm not done saying grace yet! (lowers his head again) And thank you for the cheese, and the noodles, and the soy sauce, and the dinner table, and the cutlery, and the...

Director - Oh God, here we go again...

(six hours later)

Goku - ...and the fireants, and the typewriters, and the cockroaches, and the douchebags, and the

Yamcha - AMEN! (digs in to his meal)

Goku - Eh man! Let's eat! Er-- Vegeta! You know it's bad manners to go head first into your food! BAD BOY-- (breaks a chair over his head)

Vegeta - (jerks upward from pain) AAAAaaaaaagghhh!

Goku - Now that's more like it!

Gohan - Dad, this casserole tastes like sewage dump...

Audience - (laughs and giggles)

Goku - (laughs loudly) (whispers) I'm going to murder you after this show is over you little sh...Now then, seeing as how everyones either finished eating or getting their stomach pumped for medical reasons, let's go for desert!

Vegeta - Actually Kakarott, I think it's time we get going, right darling? (starts to get up)

Goku - (chuckles and hits a small button hidden under the table)

Vegeta - (suddenly falls to the floor convulsing and foaming at the mouth)

Bulma - ...

Goku - Hah! My trusty 'electric chair' button always works! (smiles)

Audience - (applauds)

Goku - (bows) Now let's go see how that Cream A La Baloney is doing in the kitchen! (walks away)

(suddenly there is an enourmous explosion which sends Goku flying through a wall and onto the table)

Goku - (holding a flaming vat of Baloney) Done!

Goku - Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed this weeks episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips' I know I did! Tune in next week for more delicious recipes from your favourite buddy, Goku!

Director - And...CUT!

Goku - Whoo! What a great show, eh guys! And now for my afternoon snack...(takes out an enourmous vaccum-like tube attached to a vat of creamed baloney and proceeds to suck on it)

Director - Those cameras had better not be rolling.

disclaimer: the staff of the Goku's Cooking Tip Show takes no responsibility for any harms or damages inflicted by consuming or just being around Goku's food 


	2. Episode Two

(cut to Goku wearing a giant lobster bib and feathered hat)

Goku - Well hello once again folks, and welcome to another episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'! (smiles idiotically)

Director - We really need to get this guy a new wardrobe...

Goku - Now today on the show, I will be teaching you on how to make an absolutely scrumptious 'Baloney and Byproduct' pie! First, you take five cans of creamed baloney and add it to a large cooking pan. Then you take a healthy serving of meat byproducts, including: horse testicles, chicken lips, pig ovaries, and all that other good stuff! Now once you've mixed all of this together, you just stick it in the oven for 20 minutes and your ready to eat! Let's see how things go...

(message: twenty minutes later...)

Goku - (covered in burnt baloney and meat byproducts) Well folks, it seems I accidentally stuck the pie inside of the microwave instead of an oven...(laughs nervously) Oh well, you know how they say it: ya only learn from your mistakes! .and severe third degree burns; but I digress! Now, while this sucka is cooking away in the oven, let me show you todays desert of choice. (reaches behind a counter and pulls out a tub containing a gelatinous substance) 'Baloney Jello! Perfect for those occaisons where you need a quick and delicious snack to please your dinner guests! (takes a mouthfull of the pink coloured jello)... (suddenly looks violently ill)...One moment folks. (runs off screen frantically)

(sounds of vomiting and severe gas)  
(twelve minutes later...)

Goku - (emerges back onto screen looking deathly ill) I guess I forgot to mention to cook the baloney before adding to your jello, hah hah hah hah...

Paramedic - (rushes onto the screen) Sir, you need to lay down flat on your back!

Goku - (lays down) Now while these fine men pump my stomach for various reasons, let's cut to my dinner party later on in the day and see how my guests like the meal!

Paramedic - (sticks a huge tube down Goku's mouth)

Goku - Ooooh, this tickles! (starts giggling)

(later on at Goku's dinner get-together)

Goku - Hello again folks! Well, now that I've recovered from my severe case of baloney-induced botulism, let's get dinner started! (goes into the kitchen)

Vegeta - (loads a gun and puts it to his head)

Goku - (emerges from the kitchen) Well guys, it seems as if I let the pie sit out for too long; the darn things ice cold! So, I'll just stick it in the microwave for a few minutes, and then we can feast! (goes back into the kitchen and emerges again) (sits down at the dinner table and starts twiddling his thumbs)

(six hours later)

Goku - (still twiddling his thumbs)

Chichi - Uh...Goku?

Goku - Yesssssss darling?

Chichi - ...the pie?

Goku - The pie?...JESUS CHRIST, THE PIE! (runs off frantically into the kitchen)

Chichi - ...

Goku - (emerges holding the pie, which is now glowing green) Well folks, it seems I left the pie in the microwave for just a little too long. (chuckles) Five hours too long...

Gohan - Dad, I think that things radioactive...

Goku - Ah, it won't do ya any harm! Look! (takes a slice and bites into it) Ya see? I'm fine! In fact, the radiation gives it a nice tangy flavour! (continues eating)

Gohan - (cautiously takes a bite)

Vegeta - (grabs the plate of food and flings it out the window) Gee would you look at that; your house must be haunted Kakarott!

Goku - ...

Gohan - Uh dad, my mouth feels like its on fire...

Goku - (now glowing green) Must be the extra spices I added!

Gohan - (jaw falls off onto the floor)

Goku - Ah hahahahahahaha! What a riot this kid is! (laughs uncontrollably)

Gohan - (falls to the floor twitching and glowing)

Goku - Ah...well, now that we're finished with the main course and are all suffering from severe radiation poisoning, let's get desert ready

(suddenly, four men dressed in Hazmat suits come barging into the house)

Hazmat Man - Holy crap, we got a level 4 contamination situation here! Quaranteen the zone immediately!

Goku - Oh don't worry fellas, it's just my delicious pie! Here, have a slice!

Chichi - (hemorhagging from the mouth and nose)

Goku - (glowing radioactively) Well folks, this again wraps up another episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'! See you next week! (arm falls off) Hmmm, that's gonna hurt tomorrow.

Announcer - And here is 'Goku's Specialty Radioactive Baloney Pie' recipe again, in case you missed it the first time!

Add 5 cups of creamed baloney to a cooking pan and then cover it with a healthy serving of meat byproducts. Then let it sit in the oven for 20 minutes and remove. If you would like your pie to glow and be highly radioactive (and have that wonderfully tangy taste!) then just let it sit in the microwave for six hours! 


	3. Episode Three

(cut to Goku wearing a ridiculously large hat and a ballerina uniform)

Goku - Greetings! And welcome to the third episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'! Now, lately I have been receiving a lot of e-mails from fans regarding the variety the food choices being used on this show! They complain that all I ever use to cook with is baloney! Well today, just for this small 98 of people, I will be making something with absolutely no relation to baloney! So then, let's get started shall we? (walks over to a counter) Well now, the recipe I will be sharing with you today is for a delicious 'Mystery-Meat Lasagna'! So, first of all we take five slices of...(his ridiculously large hat falls off into the deep-frier beside him) NO, MY RIDICULOUSLY LARGE HAT! (starts sobbing uncontrollably) (collapses to the floor) OH THE HUMANITY! The humanity...(curls up into a fetal position)

Director - .  
(message: We're sorry, but the 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour' show is currently experiencing technical difficulties)  
(sounds of Goku screaming and wailing about his stupidly large hat in the background)

Goku - DAMN THIS DEEP-FRIER TO HELL-  
(suddenly cuts back to Goku)

Goku - (destroying the deep-frier) YOU MURDERER(suddenly notices that he's back on TV) Oh! Hello again folks. Well, it seems we've had a bit of a tragedy on the show today...a beloved hat of mine, which I purchased from a fine costume store for 1.99, seems to have fallen into this here deep-frier...But, all is not lost! (reaches into the deep-frier and pulls out his deep-fried hat) Ya see! As good as new! (puts it on his head) (smiles stupidly) Now then, lets get back to todays recipe of

(suddenly a large bird flies into the studio and bites the hat right off of Goku's head)

Goku - Wha...THAT F(beep)ING BIRD HAS MY HAT!

(the large bird flies over to its nest and feeds the deep-fried party hat to its young)

Goku - OH GOD, MY POOR HAT! DEEP FRIED AND THEN TORN TO SHREDS BY RAVENOUS YOUNG BIRDS! (shaking his hand at the sky) DAMN YOU MOTHER NATURE!

Audience - (sweatdrop) ...

Goku - (still sobbing) I truly apologize for all this nonsense folks so lets just get back to the recipe...as long as no more RAVENOUS ANIMALS COME AND EAT MY CLOTHING ATTIRE!

Director - (having a migraine)

Goku - Okay, like I was saying earlier...before my hat fell into the deep frier and demented birds...

Director - GOKU WE GET THE POINT!

Goku - Oh, okily dokily! (smiles idiotically) Anyways, todays recipe is my famed and much loved 'Mystery Meat Lasagna'! (pulls a strange looking lasagna out) Ooooooh, mysterious! (makes weird noises with his mouth) Anyways, all you need to make this wonderful lasagna is: four slices of 'mystery'  
meat; or as I call it: Yenolab and a few cups of noodles with a bit of tomato sauce, and

Director - Goku, that's baloney isn't it.

Goku - What! Why the hell would you think that!

Director - Because...baloney spelled backwards is 'Yenolab'...

Goku - (giant sweatdrop) Er...you know; right now would be a great time to cut to commercials! Eh?

(silence)

Goku - ...CUT TO THE MOTHERF(beep)ING COMMERCIALS-  
(ten minutes later)

Goku - Hello and welcome back to my cooking show! As we left off, I was just about to put my scrumptious lasagna into the oven. Now, you have to put this sucker in for about 2 hours in the oven to fully bake it. (laughs) We don't need any more botulism or food induced sicknesses around here;  
am I right!

(silence)

Goku - Damn straight...Now then, while that lasagna is cooking, let me show you todays 'Goku Desert of Choice'! Oooh, this sure does look excellent...(reaches behind a counter and pulls out a large tray) 'Baloney Brownies'! An excellent source of byproducts, and low in fat!

Director - (pulls out a nearby bucket and vomits into it)

(loud 'ding')

Goku - Ah, my lasagna is done! (walks over to the oven) Even though I don't know how that's earthly possible, since it's only been one minute...but, hey! That's the magic of TV I guess...(opens up the oven and pulls the lasagna pan out...with his bare hands...) Mmmm, doesn't this look just delicious?

Director - Um...Goku...

Goku - (takes a sniff) Wow, it sure does smell good!

Director - GOKU!

Goku - Yes?

Director - (points at his hands)

Goku - My hands? (looks down) Oh silly me! It seems with all of this nonsense going on today that I forgot to put my oven-mits on! Oh well, nothing a little cold water won't fixeh...well it seems that my hands have 'melded' to the cooking pan, so lets just cut to dinner later on, while these fine paramedics ply this pan off of my hands and administer painkillers...TA TA!  
(later on, at Goku's dinner)

Goku - (emerges onto screen with huge casts on his hands) Hello again folks! I'm sure by now that you all know my wonderful dinner guests.

Vegeta - (grabs the camera) PLEASE IF ANYONE CAN SEE THIS, WE'RE BEING HELD HOSTAGE AT 1129 South

Goku - Ah, what a goof! (takes out a horse-whip and starts whipping Vegeta)

Vegeta - (screaming and getting whipped violently)

Goku - Alright, let's get this dinner party started! (waddles into the kitchen and emerges with his 'special' lasagna) (drops it violently down onto the table) Okay folks, dig in!

(silence)

Goku - Oh come on, don't be that way! I swear none of you will get food poisoning or radiation sickness this time!

(silence)

Goku - Eat you lousy bunch of good for nothing bast-  
(awkard commercial time!)

Announcer - This episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour' is brought to you by...'Spite Prechewed Gum'! Now available in a six pack, complete with salivating goodness...:D (back to Goku's dinner party)

Goku - Hello again, and welcome back to my dinner party! And now it's time for my guests to sample my lasagna!

(Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi and Gohan are all severely beaten up)

Goku - Dig in! (starts muching away)

Vegeta - (cautiously takes a bite) Hmm...you know Kakarott, this lasagna actually tastes quite good!  
Suprisingly...

Chichi - Yeah; and I'm not dropping dead of any infectious diseases! Oh Goku, you've really outdone your-  
self this time!

Gohan - Yeah dad, this lasagna is delicious!

Goku - Aw, thanks for all your kind compliments!

Chichi - But one thing still bothers me...

Goku - What's that?

Chichi - This...sprinkled cheese on the top tastes a bit funny...

Goku - Oh yeah...about that...we were kind of all out of sprinkled cheese, so I used some of that sprinkled powder from under the kitchen sink!

(suddenly, everyone looks mortified)

Chichi - (drops her fork)

Goku - Eh? Was it something I said?

Chichi - Goku, THAT WAS RAT POISON UNDER THE SINK!

Goku - ...

Vegeta - (looks horrified)

Bulma - (slowly gets out of her chair)

Goku - Ah come on guys! Rat poison or not, it sure did add a nice zesty flavour to the lasagna eh!

(silence)

Goku - Okay...then why don't we just skip ahead to desert, eh! (barges into the kitchen and comes back out hold the tray of 'Baloney Brownies') Desert is serveder...

(everyone is lying on the floor lifeless)

Goku - Oh well, all the more Baloney Brownies for me! (laughs insanely and stuffs his mouth full of the meat-ridden brownies)  
(back at Goku's studio)

Goku - Well my fellow viewers and fans, I hope you enjoyed this episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'! Join me tomorrow, as long as I'm not in court due to legal ramifications, when I make my famous 'Deep Fried Baloney with Taters'! So long!

(long silence)

Goku - Okay officers, do your thing...

(two police officers come into the room, handcuff Goku, and take him away) 


	4. Episode Four

(cut to Goku in a full body cast with a tophat on)

Goku - Well hello folks, and welcome to the fourth installment of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'! Well after yesterdays show, I got into a bit of a...scuffle with some fine police officers who wanted to arrest me for poisoning my family and all...and uh, to make a long story short, I ended up having every bone in my body broken! But I digress...So today, my faithful assisstant Piccolo will be doing all the cooking for me!

Piccolo - Wha...YOU SAID WE WERE GOING OUT TO FIGHT FREEZA!

Goku - (laughs nervously) What a witless dope...Now anyways, like I promised yesterday, today we will be showing you how to make 'Deep Fried Baloney with Taters'! Piccolo, wheel me over to the counter you good for nothing lackie!

Piccolo - (incinerates Goku with a beam)

Goku - (smoldering) .  
(and now it's time for a 'conveniently placed commercial'!)

Baloney Spokesperson - Hello my name is Charles Rutherford, and I am talking to you as a representative of the 'World Baloney Industry'. We in no way endorse or support this shows portrayal of baloney, or the uses of it.

(and now, back to the show!)

Goku - (still smoldering) Well hello again folks, and welcome back to the show! I'm now over at my cooking counter, no thanks to my lackie Piccolo...

Piccolo - (smoking a big one in the corner)

Goku - So then, let's get started! (long silence) Piccolo!

Piccolo - What! Oh right, the cooking...(walks over to Goku)

Goku - Now all you need to make this delicious meal is some spare baloney, some store bough tater tots, and a deep frier! If you don't have a deep frier, then simply borrow or steal one from your neighbour!  
(meanwhile, at Vegeta's house)

Vegeta - Hmmm, I think I'm going to make my famous 'Deep Fried Arlian' for dinner tonight!

Bulma - Oooh, sounds good!

Vegeta - (walks into the kitchen) Wha...WHERE THE HELL IS MY DEEP FRIER!  
(back at Goku's studio)

Goku - Heh heh heh heh...Now first you have to set your deep frier to maximum, so you get that nice crispyness to your baloney and taters! Piccolo, you can have the honors.

Piccolo - Oh joy. (flips the deep-frier switch)

Goku - And now, all you simply do is dump your baloney and taters inside, wait 20 minutes and voila! You have your deep fried meal all ready to go! Piccolo, get dumping.

Piccolo - (mumbling obscenities under his breath) (dumps the baloney and taters into the deep frier)

Goku - Wha...NO YOU IDIOT, YOU DON'T PUT THEM BOTH IN AT THE SAME TIME! JESUS, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO KILL US ALL!

Piccolo - But I...

Goku - (breaks out of his body cast and smacks Piccolo out of the way) Good God! Look what you've done! And so help me God if this screws up my dinner...(looks inside the deep frier) Well...here goes nothing! I gotta get these taters out of here, or we could end up with a core explosion! (goes in head first into the deep frier)

(loud sizzling sounds)

Goku - (head first in the deep frier) OH MY GOD IT BURNS! AAAAEUURRRGHHHH!

Piccolo - ...

Goku - (comes out with his upper body deep fried) Good Lord that hurt...But here I have the taters, and all is well again! ...No thanks to my son of a bitch good-for-nothing asswipe assisstant here,  
but none-the-less!

Piccolo - (releases a cage of ravenous ferrets)

Goku - So then, let's go over and make some desert(gets mauled by the ferrets) AEUUGHHHH!  
(rolling around on the floor covered in ferrets)

Piccolo - Hahahahahahaha! Now THAT is entertainment! (leaves the studio)

Goku - (gets up slowly) Okay...now that those ferrets are done eating me alive, let's see what we'll be having for desert tonight at my little shindig! (limps over to another counter) Now for todays show I had a specially custom made cake baked for me! It cost a lot of money and put this show into a huge debt, but trust me, it'llwha...WHERE THE HELL IS MY CUSTOM MADE, GOLD ENCRUSTED, DIAMOND COVERED ROYAL CAKE!  
(meanwhile)

Piccolo - (walking down the street eating Goku's diamond encrusted cake)  
(back at Goku's studio)

Goku - Well...it seems that some...culprit...has stolen my royal made cake...so then...might as well check on that baloney now...(walks over to the deep frier) Ah! Well at least something worked out tonight! (reaches into the deep frier with large tongs and pulls the baloney out) (looks into the camera) It's 'Baloney-Tacular'!

Audience - (silent)

(a tumbleweed rolls by)

Goku - (sweatdrop)

Audience Member - (coughs)

Goku - Okay then...let's just cut to dinner later on.  
(later on at Goku's dinner party)

Goku - (emerges from his kitchen with both of his arms deep fried) Hello again folks! Now I will be serving my deep fried baloney and taters...(notices that everyone is giving him a funny look) What.  
WHAT! You think I look funny! You think that having your arms deep fried twice is FUNNY!  
(silence)

Goku - Yeah, that's what I thought! Now anyways, like I was saying--

Gohan - (chuckles lightly)

Goku - (turns his head slowly towards Gohan) What the hell was that...did you just chuckle at me?...

Gohan - (tries to look serious)

Goku - SO HELP ME GOD, IF ONE MORE PERSON LAUGHS AT ME OR MY DEEP FRIED ARMS, I WILL GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH THESE SALAD TONGS HERE!

(silence)

Goku - Ahem! Now then...before we start dinner I would like to thank Vegeta for donating his wonderful deep-frier to the show for todays episode! Vegeta, we greatly appreciate it.

Vegeta - Wha...DONATED IT! YOU STOLE IT FROM ME YOU FAT MONKEY BASTARD! (leaps at Goku and tackles him to the floor)  
(message: we're sorry, but we're currently experiencing technical difficulties at the moment. Please stand by.)

(sounds of Vegeta pummelling Goku in the background)  
(five minutes and one very long beating later...at Goku's house...)

Goku - (covered in bruises and cuts) Now that Vegeta has finished beating me into the ground because I...'stole' his deep frier, let's get on to eating! (bows his head down) Lord, thank you for this wonderful meal of

Chichi - Uh Goku, where are the taters?

Goku - (slowly raises his head) (looks around nervously) Erm...there was a little...accident with them...

Chichi - ...

Goku - (lifts his deep fried arms, revealing taters stuck all over them)

Gohan - LET'S EAT! (jumps on top of Goku and starts eating away at the taters)

(Bulma, Vegeta and Chichi join in)

Goku - (flailing his arms wildly) OH MY GOD THAT HURTS! OH THE HUMANITY! (tries to get up, but trips and falls back down, sending his tophat into the fireplace) MY HAT!  
YOU BASTARDS LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! (blows the entire house up)  
(back at Goku's studio)

Goku - I can't do this without my tophat! (starts sobbing) Oh how I miss my hat...(suddenly notices that he's on TV) Eh...Hello folks! I hope you enjoyed this new episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'! Join me tomorrow when not only will I have a brand new hat, but I will also make some delicious 'Baloney Encrusted Pancakes'! G'BYE! 


	5. Episode Five

(cut to Goku looking violently ill...and wearing a brand new tophat...)

Goku - Eeurgh...(belches) Oh hello folks! It seems that deep fried baloney and taters from last episode didn't sit too well in the old gullet...but hey! I've got a new tophat today and all is well! (gives thumbs up) Now, just like I promised at the end of yesterdays show, today we'll be making some dilectable Baloney Encrusted Pancakes! And hopefully, unlike in the past few episodes, nothing will go wrong today. (smiles moronically) (walks over to his counter) Now then, all you need to make these babies is some pancake batter and spare slices of baloney. Once you have all of these ingredients, all you do is fry those pancakes up with some bits of baloney sprinkled in them! (walks over to the cooking counter)

(thinking to himself: Wow! Nothing's gone wrong yet! Must be that lucky rabbits foot that I...borrowed)  
(meanwhile, at Vegeta's house)

Vegeta - WHERE THE HELL IS MY LUCKY RABBITS FOOT!

(back at Goku's studio)

Goku - Now, first I'm going to place the pancake batter into the pan...then, I'm going to sprinkle some of this shredded baloney bits all over it...

(sizzling noises)

Goku - Hmmm...it seems these baloney bits are sizzling a bit too much...(starts poking around in the pan with his spatula) Now this is one thing you want to avoid folks; sometimes baloney can spatter quite a bit when it starts to sizzle, so always keep an eye out

(loud sizzling noises)

Goku - Um...oh boy, this sizzling is getting out of control...(smiles nervously)..could I get a hand over here...

(silence)

Goku - WILL SOMEBODY HELP ME WITH THIS GODDAMN BALONEY!

(louder sizzling noises)

Goku - Uh oh...Folks I think I'm going to have to abort frying these pancakes, cause this baloney is sizzling like a bitch- (gets hit by spurting grease) OW! JESUS THAT HURT!

Audience - (gasps)

Goku - Okay, don't worry people; I've got everything under control(grease starts spraying out of the pan all over him) OH MY GOD IT BURNS! (falls to the ground flailing)

Crewmember - (rushes into the kitchen with a fire extinguisher) Jesus Christ this thing is out of control!

Goku - (flailing around) KILL IT! KIIILLLLL IIIITTTTTT!

Crewmember - (blows the fire extinguisher all over the pan and all over Goku) ...

Goku - (gets up slowly covered in grease burns and white foam) I uh...folks, I'm just going to leave for a moment...freshen up a bit...(stumbles out of the studio)

Audience - ...

Goku - (offscreen) WILL SOMEBODY CALL THE PARAMEDICS!

(and now, for a commercial!)

Spokesman - Do you suffer from a red itchy heiny! Then get 'Moshiques Arse Powder'! Now available in liquid form! It'll make that swelling go away...IN LESS THAN A WEEK!

Fast Voiceover - We cannot guarantee this.

(and now back to the show)

Goku - (emerges from backstage covered in bandages) Geez, those grease burns sure do hurt folks take it from me! Now since the frying of the pancakes got a 'little bit' out of hand, we might as well just skip to todays choice of desert. (walks over to another counter) For todays choice, we will be making Baloney Smoothies! Mmm mmm! Now all you need to make these delicious guest-pleasing treats is some baloney, some milk, and a food processor or blender. And you all know our motto...

Audience - (in unison) IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, STEAL IT!

Goku - (gives thumbs up) Damn straight! Now for today, I will be using a simple blender to make the smoothies. You just dump all your ingredients inside of it, and hit the 'puree' button! (hits the button)

(the blender starts whirring loudly)

Goku - Hmmm, that doesn't sound right...(looks closely at the blender) Is this thing supposed to make a weird metallic whirring noise?

Director - (shrugs)

Goku - (laughs angrilly) Great help I have here! Real 'Grade A' assistance...(sighs) Let's just have a closer look at this thing.  
(peeks inside of the blender)

(suddenly, the blender blade comes flying out and goes right through Goku's head)

Goku - (with a huge gash through his head) Oh boy, that's not good...(feels his head with his fingers and pulls a piece of his own brain out) That's really not good...

Audience - (horrified gasps)

Goku - Uh...while I go have major reconstructive surgery to the front of my cranium, why don't we just fast-forward to dinner later on?

Audience - (staring at him in horror)

Goku - What? WHAT! HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE SEEN BRAINS BEFORE!  
(later on, at Goku's dinner shindig)

Goku - (emerges from his kitchen with an huge cast covering his entire head) (muffled) Well hello again! I just got out of the emergency ward about 2 hours ago...the surgeons there told me that I suffered massive brain damage, and that I needed to stay in the hospital for another 2 months; but I told 'em: I never miss a dinner party!

Vegeta - Kakarott, I can't understand a word of what your saying under all of that gauze...

Goku - (muffled talking)

Bulma - Actually, that's not a bad thing...

Goku - (angry muffled yelling)

(everyone is laughing at him)

Goku - (insane muffled screaming) (starts slamming his fists down on the dinner table)

(the table colapses from under him and his tophat goes flying out the window)

Goku - (muffled) MY HAT! (runs outside insanely)

(everyone is still laughing)  
(meanwhile, outside...)

Goku - (chasing after his stupid hat) (runs out into the middle of the street and grabs his hat) HAH HAH! VICTORY IS MINE- (gets run over by a dump-truck)  
(days later, at Goku's funeral)

(everyone is dressed in black and crying)

Priest - We are gathered here today to remember Goku...uh...(looks through his papers) What was this guys last name!

Chichi - Just Goku no last name.

Krillin - Yeah, like Cher!

(everyone stares at him)

Krillin - WHAT!

Priest - Umm...right...Okay then...He was a loving father and husband, an excellent cook, and a superb fighter. He will truly be missed by his

Ghost-Goku - (comes barging out of his coffin, knocking the Priest over)

(everyone screams and faints)

Ghost-Goku - Well folks, thanks for tunning in to this weeks episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! Unfortunately however, I was run over by a dump-truck while chasing after my ridiculously large tophat, so next weeks episode will be broadcasted from.  
(dramatic pause) THE AFTERLIFE! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (makes wierd noises with his mouth) Ahem. See you then! 


	6. Episode Six

(cut to Goku in fetish wear and a baseball cap)

Goku - Hello again folks! And welcome to yet another (and very delayed) installment of 'Goku's Bondage Hour'! Today we'll be-- Eh? Uh, sorry folks, I'm just now being informed by my producer that this is in fact a cooking show, and has nothing whatsoever to do with BDSM...Wow, that's embarrassing...Uh, tell you all what, I'm just going to leave for a moment and then I'll be right back, okay? (leaves quickly)

(silence)

Goku - (strangling the producer with the bondage outfit) HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES EH!-- Oh! I'm back! Heh...Anywho, as I'm sure you already know, as we last left off I was hit by a renegade dump-truck after chasing after my wonderfully crafted, and extremely expensive top-hat!

Director - Expensive? (starts laughing) That thing was like made of velcro and from the dollar store!

Goku - DO NOT BADMOUTH MY HAT! (takes a deep breath) It deserves more respect than that! Anyways, enough of this bloomin' nonsense! Just to recap what's happened in the meantime, I managed to gather a full crew for filming my show in the afterlife, using a bunch of ogres from HELL--

Funimation Dork - (paints over the word so that it reads HFIL) Yoink!

Goku - ...Yeah...And anyways, I've somehow managed to broadcast to the real world, so lets get going shall we? (walks over to the 'ghost' counter) Now, since baloney doesn't exist in the ghost-world, which I so harshly learned when I first arrived here (baloney withdrawal is a BITCH!), we'll be using the next best thing: spectral slices! I don't know what the hell they are, and I don't know how well they'll work, but hey, it's like the old saying goes, if life gives you lemons, you just squirt lemon juice back in its eyes! (smiles)

Director - Eh, I don't think that's how the say--

Goku - Now then, using this 'mysterious ghost meat', we'll be making a absolutely scrumptious and fat-free 'Spectral Souffle' today! Now the first thing you want to do is get your hands on some top-quality ghost coldcuts, some flour,  
eggs, sugar, milk, and butter, and place them all in a spectral cooking dish. Or, if you don't have one of those,  
I guess a regular 'Earthly' cooking pan will suffice! Then, you just shove it in your oven and let it bake for 30 minutes before removing. Now, I know what your thinking: Goku, don't you usually make some sort of meal instead of just a simple desert? Well, I understand where you're coming from, but the answer is NO! And don't you ever talk back to me like that again, or so help me God I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Now then, where was I? Oh yes,  
the oven! You'll want to set the oven's heat to the highest possible preset; in the afterlife, that'll be 'Hell's Bowels', and in the real world I think it'll be something along the lines of 'Maximum' or something; I don't know!

(loud ding)

Goku - And it's ready! Now, the perfect side dish to go along with this delectable desert is a generous helping of my own personal 'Astral Cream'! Now, I guess if you don't have access to the afterlife, you'll have to substitute this with regular cream, but you'll be missing out! Now, over here we don't have to worry about calories or fat, or any of that nonsense, so excuse for a moment while I indulge myself in my psychotic food related fantasies! (dives head first into a bucket of fat and cream)

Voice - If you'd like to be an audience-member for a live taping of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour', just come on down to 'Son Studios' on Snake-Way! Or, if you're still alive, just hang yourself and let God do the rest! (winks)

Director - You know, after working on this show for two years, eternal damnation doesn't sound that bad.

Goku - (covered in fat) Alright, and I'm done! Now that we're finished cooking, all that's left is for me to hold my usual dinner party and see how it fares with my guests! Now I know what you're wondering: Goku, your dead, how can you have your normal party? Well folks, I've thought long and thoroughly about this. Firstly I tried to have all of my usual guests murdered so that they could join me over here in the otherworld, but that didn't go over to well, so I've just decided to rely on a close friend of mine to wish me back using the Dragonballs!

(meanwhile)

Krillin - Dragonballs, please bring my friend Goku back to l-- Wait a minute...Is this what I really want? On second thoughts, I am kind of hungry right now, and I never really did like Goku THAT much...especially his crappy cooking...In fact, I am kind of peckish for a grilled cheese! Hmmm, grilled cheese or Goku? Grilled cheese or Goku...

(long silence)

Shenron - What will it be?

Krillin - GIMME A GRILLED CHEESE!

(back in the afterlife)

Goku - Yep, any second now...(looks at his watch) Come on you no-nose, rat-faced midget fu--

(We're sorry, but we're experiencing some techincal difficulties right now! 'Goku's Ghastly Cooking Tips Hour' will return shortly.)

Goku's Voice in the Background - When I get my hands on that little deformed bugger, I'm gonna take my fist and go Super Saiyan on his fat a--

(And now we're back!)

Goku - Hello again everyone. Well, unlike how I had planned things, my 'former' friend, Krillin, decided that having a cheese sandwich was more important than reviving his life long buddy for the show! So, I somehow managed to talk my way into being revived for just 20 minutes so that I can proceed with my dinner party. See you there! (vanishes)

(moments later at Goku's house)

Goku - (suddenly appears) And I'm back! And now, we'll-- Oh, well hello there Krillin!

Krillin - (nervously) Uh...H-- Hey there bud!...

Goku - Surprised to see me?

Krillin - A...A bit...(swallows heavily)

Goku - Enjoy that sandwich of yours?

Krillin - Uh...I-- I think I'm gonna...leave now--

Goku - Can we turn the camera's off for a sec?

Krillin - No-- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T--

(the screen goes black)

Voice - 'Goku's Spooky Cooking Tips Hour' is brought to you by Doctor Heindlich's Rectal Cream! Now in three different delicious flavours!

Fast Voiceover - Do not ingest at all costs.

(back to the show)  
(cut to Goku smearing scoldingly hot grilled cheese all over Krillin)

Goku - YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE CHEESE NOW YA LITTLE BAST-- (see's that he's back on) Oh! (quickly walks away from Krillin innocently)

Krillin - (twitching on the floor in a pool of melted cheese)

Goku - Heh! And I guess we're back! It'd be nice if for once my Director could tell me this, but hey! I guess that's what you get when you hire someone who's only got a high-school education, eh Mr. Director!

Director - Goku, you never even passed Kindergarten...

Goku - I--...(starts tearing up)

Director - Aw, come on now, don't cry!

Goku - (starts wimpering)

Director - Come on, I'll give you this baloney-cicle if you stop!

Goku - Agghhhhh-- Baloney-Cicle! GIMME THAT! (grabs the baloney popcicle violently and sucks it down) Ahhhhh,  
sweet, sweet mystery meat...I can already feel my arteries clogging back up!

Vegeta - Kakarot, can we get this thing over already! My ass is starting to kill me on these blasted metallic chairs of yours!

Goku - Hahahahahaha, oh Vegeta! (slaps Vegeta across the back of the head so hard that both of his eyes pop out of their sockets)

Vegeta - (spurting blood from his face)...

Goku - Alrighty then! Now, unfortunately for us, the people in the afterlife didn't permit me to bring my 'ghostly' food back into the real world (Ghost bylaws), so I, being the genius that I am, smuggled it here!

Chichi - ...Smuggled?...

Goku - That's right! Be right back! (runs off into the bathroom)

(silence)  
(loud flatulent noises)

Goku - Almost out!

Chichi + Gohan + Vegeta + Krillin - (puke violently)

Author - God, I'm never gonna hear the end of it for this. (starts writing his 'will')

Goku - (emerges from the bathroom holding his dinner on a large platter) Dinner is served! Eh? What's the matter with everyone? You all look like you've seen a ghost! Ah-- Hahahahaha, a ghost! Get it! It's so funny because I.  
because I was a...a...yeah...

Vegeta - (popping his eyes back into place) Kakarott, if you think that I'm going to eat something that you just passed through your bowels-- let alone something you cooked, you're crazy!

Goku - (chuckling) Well, you don't really have a choice there Vegie!

Vegeta - Wha-- (looks down and see's that he's somehow suddenly strapped to the chair) WHAT THE-- WHAT'S THIS!

Goku - Hehehehehe, it's a litte something called a 'comical twist'!

Vegeta - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (shoots the Author a death glare)

Author - Hey, don't look at me.

Vegeta - Kakarott...

Author - I'll-- I'll go crazy on your ass!...Yeah, that's right...Homie!

Goku - Now anyways, let's start the dinner already! Now, since I, and I'm sure you, already know, my guests aren't very fond of eating any of the food I cook. So, for that very reason, I had this large and ridiculously complex feeding machine built to do the work for them!

Gohan - Dad, who the hell would build something as insane as that!

Goku - Oh, a old friend of mine...

Devil - I'll be expecting your soul tomorrow Goku!

Goku - Yeah, yeah, yeah...Anywho, let's go! (flips the machine's switch)

(the huge feeding machine power up and starts violently shoving metallic pikes covered in food into the guests mouths; breaking all over their teeth and jaws in the process)

Goku - (delicately eating his meal with fancy utensils) Enjoying your meals?

(everyone is screaming in agony)

Goku - Good! And now to fetch the cream! (bends over)

(suddenly, everyone starts to float around and do crazy exorcist crap)

Goku - Uh-- Oh crap! I knew I forgot something! Folks at home, it seems that I forgot the most important ghost rule of them all: never feed your guests with live souls! Oh well, live and learn, eh?

Bulma - (walking on the ceiling)

Vegeta - (crawling down the stairs backwards)

Gohan - (spinning his head around and puking bile)

Goku - And that concludes today's episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Join me next week in Hell as I make my soon to be famous, 'Satans Flambee'! TA TA!

Priest - (holding a cross against Vegeta) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! 


	7. Episode Seven

(cut to Goku in a flaming pit of damnation completely naked)

Goku - (screaming in agony) AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-- Oh, I'm on? Well hello again, and welcome to todays episode of 'Goku's Hellish Cooking Hour of Pain'! (renamed as such by satan) As I'm sure you already very well know, I am your host, and eternally damned soul, Goku! And this here is my new cohost and cohort in evil, Astaroth!

Astaroth - (flamboyantly) Well hello there!

Goku - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Asty here has been kind enough to show me around hell and all of its wonderful inhabitants! That's right folks, I said hell-- not HFIL-- hell! Take THAT Funimation!

-(meanwhile at Funimation studios)-

Funimation Censor Dork - (crawled up in a ball and crying)

-(back in hell)

Goku - So then, as I promised at the end of the last thrilling episode, today I'll be making my famous (at least, in hell it is) 'Satan's Flambee'! Let's begin. (walks over to a counter made of human flesh and organs) I'd like to personally thank Asty and the rest of the wonderful people down here for fashioning my own unique cooking studio!

Astaroth - Pottery Barn; designers secret!

Goku - Astaroth here was an interior decorator in his past life; which should hopefully explain to all you folks out there why he's here in the first place! (winks)

Astaroth - Eat your heart out Trading Spaces!

Goku - Alright, enough tomfoolery, let's get on with the actual show! Now the first and most important ingredient in making this wonderfully blasphemous dish is five of satan's own hellspawn eggs. Now obviously these are quite difficult to acquire, as I so painfully learned.

-(flashback)-

Satan - (sitting and reading the weekly edition of 'Hells Times')

Goku - (covertly sneaks up behind Satan and reachs up his butt)

Satan - EH! (turns around and looks down at Goku)

Goku - Uh--...I didn't leave my watch in here! (laughs nervously)

Satan - (with flames shooting out of his nostrils) EERRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--

Goku - Oh sweet mercy.

-(back at the show)-

Goku - So for that very reason, we'll be using Astaroth's eggs here as a replacement today!

Director - How did you manage that?

Goku - Oh, 20 hours of agonizing pain.

Director - No kidding.

Astaroth - Yeah. He has quite the tab growing!

Goku - He's not lying. So how's Hell treating you Mr. Director?

Director - You know, after dealing with you for so many years on end, I'm kind of used to the excrutiating pain and suffering present here.

Goku - Touche. Now, after you've got five of said eggs, next you'll need some demon's bile, some fire from the pit of eternal pain, and finally, some behemoths milk. Now, obviously you need to be present in hell to get such ingredients, so just as a reminder for all you 'good' souls out there, the website for my tried and true method of eternal damnation is Or, if you don't have a computer, feel free to call our 24/7 hotline, at 1-800-IWANNASUFFER.  
That's 1-800-492662783337, for all you illiterate people out there. Call now and win a free ticket to this show!

Director - Talk about adding insult to injury.

Goku - While all of these ingredients are cooking in the oven, I'm going to show you how to make a sidedish that will compliment this desert perfectly: 'Bahamut's Brownies'! I've got a freshly made batch of them right over he-- .  
...Where the hell are my brownies?

Astaroth - (shrugs)

Director - Well don't look at me.

Goku - Well, great. Now I've made a complete ASS of myself on live TV!

Director - Well that's nothing new.

Goku - THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRICKEN SMARMY LITTLE COMMENTARY! YOU'RE FIRED!

Director - THANK YOU GOD! (gets up and leaves)

Goku - Man, I've been waiting to do that for ages!

Astaroth - You go girl!

Goku - Ah...Now where was I? Oh yes, the brownies. We--

Director - (walks back in)

Goku - What are you--

Director - I-- I forgot my cap...(leaves again)

Goku - Yeah, get the f...Alright, as I was saying--

Director - You haven't happened to see a small red baseball cap around here have you?

Goku - JUST LEAVE ALREADY!

Director - No, I'm not going anywhere until I have my hat back!

Goku - OH FOR FU--

(Goku's Cooking Show will return shortly!)

Goku's Voice - I am gonna go unholy on your ass!

Director's Voice - Yeah! Bring it bitch!

(And now we're back!)

Goku - (covered in bruises) (grumbling to himself)

Astaroth - Wow, that was sad.

Goku - How was I to know he had a black belt in Karate! Ergh...Bloody Directors and their...Let's just cut to dinner later on, shall we?

(silence)

Goku - What the hell is--

Astaroth - You don't have a Director anymore, remember?

Goku - What, so I can't leap ahead in time anymore!

Astaroth - It appears not.

Goku - CRAP! Ah, excuse me for a second here, will you? (leaves)

Astaroth - Certainly.

(silence)

Astaroth - (looks both ways) (starts dancing in front of the camera) I'm too sexy for my horns, too sexy for my horns, so sexy that it--

-(meanwhile, at a nearby bar)-

(Authors Note - Hell has bars!)

Director - (having a drink)

Goku - (enters) There you are!

Director - The hell do you want? I hope this is about my cap or else I'll go kung-fu on your ass again boy!

Goku - No, no, no-- Don't be silly! And please, seriously, don't attack me again. I get enough of that from Asty in bed anyways.

Director - That's just great. Not only do I lose my cap today and get fired, but now I know about your sex life with a demon. Thank you Lord!

Goku - Alright, enough insults, I need you back on my show.

Director - Need me? Like hell I'm going back to that crap! I'd rather have pins shoved through every nerve ending in my body!

Goku - You know, they do that here.

Director - Shut it!

Goku - Awwww, come on, don't you miss it though?

Director - Miss what! Constantly having to clean up your idiotic messes and deal with an endless onslaught of lawsuits!

Goku - That's not what I'm talking about...(slaps the Director on the butt)

Director - Oooh, you naughty monkey you!

Viewers at Home - (puke into a nearby bucket)

Author - I am truly sorry for that...

Goku - Come on...For old times sakes!

Director - Errggghhhhhh...Alright! I'll come back...Besides, the drinks they serve here are terrible anyways!

Goku - Uh, yeah, that's bile your drinking there.

Director - Well that would explain the chunkyness I guess.

(Goku and the Director hold hands and leave)

Demons Inside the Bar - Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Demon - Don't it just bring a tear to your eye-slit?

-(back at the show)-

Astaroth - (still dancing) Maia HII! Maia HUU! Maia HA! Maia HAHA--

Goku - (renenters with the director)

Director - What in the name of--

Goku - Just act like he's not there...Now then, back to where we left off! On to the dinner party!

Director - (flips the time-switch)

-(later on, at dinner...in hell...)-

Goku - Now unfortunately for this show I can't travel back onto Earth for various reasons (damned contracts!), so I've arranged for Satan here to transport all of my friends down here to Hell! Satan, do your thing.

Satan - (says a bunch of evil gibberish and snaps his fingers)

(Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, and Gohan all appear in Hell)

Goku - Well howdy everyo--

(they all instantly turn to dust from the heat)

Goku - Oh...crap...I knew something was wrong about that...Eh, we'll be right back folks! (laughs nervously and backs away slowly)

(Goku's Cooking Hour will return in a few moments! While waiting, Goku recommends that you go f-ck yourselves!)

Author - And how.

(And we're back!)

Goku - Hello again everyone. As we last left off, my entire dinner party was just incinerated by the extreme heats of hell.  
So, to replace them, I have a bunch of demon's who I guess kind of somewhat resemble them...Say hello to my new guests; Vigoda, Bulna, Choochoo, and Geyhan!

(the four demons wave happily)

Goku - And who knows, maybe things'll go over even better with 'em! Astaroth, bring out the entrees please!

Astaroth - (in a bright pink cooking apron) Yes dear! (come out with a large tray of assorted evil delights)

Goku - Explain to the viewers what you've got there Asty!

Astaroth - Well Goku, to start off the meal tonight, we have an absolutely scrumptious and heathenous side of your own special 'Heretic's Pie', and along with that a healthy dose of 'Diabolic Duck', and to top it all off, some beautfully cooked 'Leg of Leviathan'!

Goku - Doesn't that just look just to die for! Ah-hahahahahaha, get it! To die f...die for...eh?...

(none of the guest demons laugh)

Goku - Yeah...Uh, let's just start the dinner already...(sits down) Vigoda, could you pass the pie please?

Vigoda - (snarls at Goku and spits acid)

Goku - (with his face melting) ...Or not...

Astaroth - Oh Vigoda, you know it's rude to melt people's faces off at the dinner table!

Vigoda - (whimpers)

Goku - And how is my dear...um, demon-wife enjoying the meal?

Choochoo - (chatters and convluses violently)

Goku - Yeah...Great...Now before I eat, as I always do, I'm going to say grace! Oh Lord in Heaven, we thank you for this wonderful meal of--

Astaroth - NO GOKU, DON'T--

(all of the demon's scream and explode into ashes)

Goku - Crap! I knew there was something I forgot!

Astaroth - (melting) Oh Goku, you're such a ditz!

Goku - Heh, and how! Well I guess that concludes todays painfully long episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! Join me tomorrow wherever the hell I am, as I teach my delicious and often disasterous recipes once again! Ta ta!

(a mob of angry demons lynch Goku and eat him alive)

Astaroth - (strikes a pose) Can't touch dis. 


	8. Episode Eight

(cut to Goku in his normal attire and back on Earth)

Goku - YOU IDIOT, I ASKED FOR TWO CREAMS AND ONE SUGAR; NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

Assistant - (off camera) Dude, I'm not going over to Starbucks again, okay? There was a lineup from hell there, I had to wait over an hour, and the guy gave me the wrong change, so give me a break for getting one tiny litte thing wrong!

Goku - ONE TINY THING! THIS HAS RUINED MY MORNING COFFEE! And unless I get my daily caffein high,  
you know that I can't go ahead with this show!

Assistant - That's pretty sad man.

Goku - Yeah? I'll tell you what's sad! You when you're...when you're...fired from th...from this show...

Assistant - Whatever dude, I quit! (leaves and throws a cup of hot coffee at Goku)

Goku - YOU LITTLE-- (gets the hot coffee right in the crotch) OH FU--

(We're sorry, but we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties right now. 'Goku's Cooking Show' will return in a few moments!)

Goku's Voice - SWEET JESUS, I CAN'T FEEL MY DI--

(And now we're back!)

Goku - (looking agonized and holding his crotch) Hello everyone! And welcome to today's all new edition of my cooking show. I apologize for that little interruption at the beginning, but my crew never seems to properly tell me when the show's on!

Director - What part of 'we're on' don't you get?

Goku - Yeah, you just shut your...Anyways, I'm sure you're all wondering how I'm back on Earth for today's episode, and not in hell or some other crazy-ass place. Well you see, after last night's episode, I was kicked out of hell for annoying satan and all of the other demon's too much, and since neither Heaven nor Limbo wanted me, I was thrown back onto Earth! While this is mostly good news, my recent beloved cohost, Astaroth, unfortunately couldn't join me...But we're working on that, and as soon as I've found a perfect host for his evil flamboyant soul, he'll be back! And on that note; Piccolo, my former cohost, can you please come out here for a moment?

Piccolo - (walks out) I'm not rubbing your friggen bunions again you ape bastard.

Goku - Just hold still for ONE second! (chants a bunch of evil nonsense and does some crazy-arse hand movements)

Piccolo - What the f-ck are you-- (suddenly starts glowing and stops moving)

Goku - (grins) That should do it!

Piccolo - (rubs his head) Augh...My head...

Goku - Told ya I'd get ya here Asty!

Astaroth (in Piccolo's body) - Oh, you're such a dear, Goku! But this body? Green is so...90's! I think I'd look better in a bit of a pastel or...

Goku - You go do that then...

Astaroth - (leaving) This studio of yours is so yesterday! You've gotta jouge it up or something! (leaves)

Goku - (rubbing his head) Uh huh...You know, I wonder if there's any way to reverse that spell or something?

Director - Don't look at me. I'm not into that crazy sort of stuff.

Goku - Heh, that's not what Krillin told me--

Director - THAT LITTLE SCUMBAG KNOWS NOTHING!

Goku - (startled) Okay then...Well folks, for today's show, I'm going to be showing you how to make a rare and hard to find dish: the 'Guatemalan Bean Dip of Death'! This stuff is said to be so spicy, that it'll cause an instant stroke and heart attack just from tasting a drop of it!

Director - Then why in God's name would anyone even make it?

Goku - Eh, I guess if you're in a mood for something foreign or...Anywho, over to my counter! (walks over to his counter)  
Man, you know, if there's one thing I actually really miss about hell, it's my flesh and organ encrusted shelving.  
That stuff was REALLY nice!

Director - Well why don't you get your gay demon lover to do that?

Goku - Oh, he's too busy. He just got hired on a brand new TV show!

Director - Oh really? Have I heard of it?

Goku - Maybe. It's called 'Satanic Eye for the Straight Guy'. It's airing this week on channel six-sixty-six!

Director - Sounds interesting.

Goku - Yeah, well, it's supposed to be good. But anyways, I've gone off topic once again! The first thing you're going to need to make this horrendously spicy dish are some death peppers from Guatemala itself. To do so, you'll either have to travel down there, or specially order them through the internet. Though I really do recommend going there and taking in all of the breathtaking scenery and locales!

-(flashback in Guatemala)-

Goku - (getting cooked in a pot by a bunch of savages) Could you turn the heat down a tich? This sauna's getting mighty warm!

Savages - ...

-(back at the show)-

Goku - Now, once you've got said ingredients, make extra sure to handle them carefully. Even a mililitre of the juices inside of these suckers can cause instant death! So once you have them, strap on your necessary Hazmat apparel, and cut these suckers open! Now, the first thing you'll want to do is let the juices drip into your pot. Now, as common sense would indicate, make sure that you have an industrial strength cooking container that can handle high-level acids and the sort; otherwise, you'll have quite the mess to clean up!

Assistant - (walks back in) Dude, have you seen my sandwich anywhere?

Goku - I thought you quit!

Assistant - Well yeah, but I bought a hoggie over when I was getting you a coffee, and I forgot it here.

Goku - Uh...Just one moment...(grabs the assistant's hoggie and shoves a death pepper in it) Here you go!

Assistant - Thanks asswipe. (leaves)

Goku - Yeah, you just...Maybe now you'll think twice before burning my baloney stick!

Assistant - (bites down into the sandwich and walks away) Mmm! Spicy!

Goku - What the-- (looks down at the pepper label) These ARE Guatemalan death pepper's aren't they!

Director - That's what you said.

Goku - So help me God if those native's ripped me off-- Could we cut to a commercial for a second?

Director - Uh, we're not due for one for another five min--

Goku - (grabs the camera and puts his fist through it)

('Goku's Cooking Show' will return in a few minutes! Until then, have a snack!)

Director's Voice - YOU IDIOT, THAT WAS A $60,000 DOLLAR CAMERA!

Goku's Voice - I wipe my ass with $60,000 dollars!

(And now we're back!)

Goku - (flipping the director off) Grrrrrrrrr...Welcome back. As it turns out, I was in fact NOT given 'Guatemalan Pepper's of Death', but rather, 'Indonesian Pussy Paprika'...

Director - (struggling not to laugh)

Goku - And I wonder who screwed that up? Hmmmm, whoever could it be...

Director - Hey, don't look at me; it was probably your demonic butt-buddy over there--

Goku - YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS! (clears his throat) Anyways, let's just skip to today's desert of choice,  
shall we? While I'm showing you this next part, my assistant's will 'hopefully' manage to successfully make a batch of 'Death Dip' for later...Okay...Today's desert recipe of choice is that of 'Midget Sorbet'. All you need to make this is one midget and a bunch of ice-cream. Let's get started.

Krillin - (strapped to a chair) No Goku, I'm begging you, DON'T DO THI--

Goku - (incinerates Krillin) Now, once you've fried your midget, just slice him up and spread his body parts all over the cream.

Krillin - I'm still alive you know.

Goku - That's the point. (takes out a huge butcher knife and starts carving Krillin up)

Krillin - OH SWEET GO--

(And now for a conviently placed commercial!)

Voice - Do you suffer from extremely painful hemorrhoids? Does it feel like a termite-farm is stuck up your ass whenever you sit down? Then get all new 'Doctor Affenschwance's Rhoid Be-Gone'! Proven effective in over 90 of cases!

Quick Voice - We cannot guarantee this.

(And now back to the show!)

Goku - (covered in blood and guts) Welcome back! Now that we're finished dismembering and dispering Krillin's body, let's go back over to our crack-team and see how the dip is coming along. (walks over) Hey guys, how's everything go--

Cracked Out Team Guy #1 - (swaying back and forth)

Cracked Out Team Guy #2 - (twirling his head around)

Cracked Out Team Guy #3 - (humping a desk)

Goku - WHAT THE-- (looks over at the director)

Director - (laughing) What?

Goku - I SAID A 'CRACK-TEAM'! NOT A TEAM ON CRACK!

Director - (hysterically) You...You gotta explain these things better!

Goku - Jesus Chri-- (rubs his forhead) Fine, let's just fastforward to dinner then, where things will hopefully be a little more 'organized'!

Director - You got it. (flips the switch)

Goku - (getting humped by one of the cracked out guys) And get rid of these freaks!

-(later on at dinner)-

Goku - You keep your mouths shut, you don't do any stupid, and this'll all be over quick! Huh? I'm on? Oh! Hello again!  
And welcome to my annual dinner get-together! I'm sure you already know my guests well enough; Vegeta, Bulma,  
Gohan, and my lovely wife, Chichi. I'm also sure you're wondering how they're alive and sitting here when they were turned to dust last episode, but hey, it's not like we've got any continuity going over here anyways, so what the hell. Now everyone relax as I go out and fetch the dip!

(everyone is strapped to their chairs and gagged)

Goku - (emerges from the kitchen in a Hazmat suit carrying the bean dip in a toxic container) Everyone hungry!

(everyone screams in terror)

Goku - Good! (slams the container down on the table violently) Let's eat! Now before we go any further, let me remind all of you at home that you should at least have enough industrial-grade utensils, and a spoonful of Epicac before consuming! And with all that said: bottoms up! (takes his bowl of death dip and swallows it in one huge gulp)

Director - ...

Goku - Hmmmm, has a nice tangy flavour...A nice punch to it...Though I'm not really feeling the whole 'death' thing of it yet!...Er...(suddenly bursts into flames and melts into a puddle)

Director - I'm guessing you do now...

Goku - ...

Director - Well, I guess that concludes this episode of 'Goku's Life-Threatening Cooking Tips'...That was Goku, and goodnight!

Goku - (still a puddle) (slithers onto the table) No! I'm not done yet!

Director - What the he--

Goku - My guests still haven't tried any! Mouths open!

(all the guests scream and desperately try to keep their mouths shut)

Goku - I SAID OPEN DAMNIT!

Director - Why don't you just skip to desert already!

Goku - Good idea...Asty, show our guests what delectable confectionary we have for desert tonight!

Astaroth - Certainly! 'Midget a la Creme'! (holds out a platter of ice-cream, which has Krillin's body parts all over it)

(all of the guests have a heart attack and die from shock)

Goku - Wow! I heard this stuff was to die for, but this is just ridiculous!

Director - Goku, for the love of God...

Goku - Well, I guess that REALLY concludes today's episode! I'm 'melted Goku' and this has been my show. I hope you enjoyed it more than I did, cause I really want to kill somebody right about now. Tune in next time for more useless crap and screw-ups, and-- Oh, f-ck it, I'm off to get drunk! (leaves)

Director - I hear ya. (leaves)

Astaroth - Well, I guess it's just you and me then...

(long silence) 


	9. Episode Nine

Director - Well hello there. As I'm sure you already know, I'm the director of 'Goku's Cooking Tips', and I'll be filling in for our host Goku today since he's busy off having a massive quadruple bypass or something...(one two many baloney smoothies). I know this may seem odd and is probably dissapointing to most of you, but hey, you gotta make do with what you've got, right? Now for today's 'special' episode, we'll be making something with no remote relation or similarity to baloney. That's right folks, NO BALONEY! Now, if you'll join me over at the nearby counter, I'll tell you what we'll be cooking toda--

Goku - (comes barging in with a hospital gown and a huge hole in his chest) ARE WE ON!

Director - Wha-- GOKU!

Goku - (rips his gown off, rendering him totally naked) Jesus Christ, I TOLD those f---ing surgeons back at the hospital to get the bypass done before 5pm, but they never listen! Bunch of no good, useless...

Director - Uh...Your chest?...

Goku - Oh yeah, that. I was in such a hurry that I just left during the middle of my surgery. But hey, I'm totally fi-  
(collapses and stops moving)

Director - ...

Astaroth - Oh, my poor Goku!

Korrin - (from nowhere) Here, have this senzu bean! (throws a bean at Goku)

Goku - Oh, thank you Korr-- (gets the bean right in the eye) OWWW! JESUS F(beep)ING MURPHEY!

Korrin - Damnit, I knew I shouldn't have had that drink before coming here...

Goku - (getting up slowly) Augh...Well, it seems that I'm all better now everyone. So I might as well get started with todays show! (walks slowly over to his counter) Man...(rubs his head) (notices the director) What are you doing here?

Director - I--

Goku - GET THE HELL OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU RAT BASTARD, GOOD FOR NOTHING, FINK-FACED PR--

('Goku's Cooking Show' is brought to you by the underworld. Your soul is safe in their hands!)

Goku - (with a dirty look on his face)...This is 'my' territory.

Director - I--

Goku - If I ever catch you back here again, so help me God, I'll take one of these cooking spoons here and ram it so far up your ass that you'll-- Oh, hello folks! (throws the spoon down) (to the Director) You remember what I told you.  
Well then, today I'll be showing you all how to make my latest and highly revered dish; Baloney Kabobs! Easy to make aaaaaaaaaand delicious to eat!

Director - You and sharp objects? That's like begging for a disaster--

Goku - Like I was saying, all you're going to need to make this simple treat are some kabob sticks (extra sharp is better,  
and some barbequed baloney. Now, I've already gone out at purchased the sticks, so all that's left is to cook the meat. Join me out in the backyard, won't you?

Director - Backyard?...

Goku - ...Out by the dumpster...

-(moments later out back)-

Goku - (with a chefs hat on) Aaahhh, the great outdoors! Doesn't the air just smell great!

Director - Goku, you're standing in front of a garbage container filled with rotten food and fecal matter.

Goku - Like I said, doesn't it just smell great. Now, the first thing you want to do before grilling your meat, is to set the BBQ to a moderate level. Too high and your baloney will become 'dryaloney'!

Director - (shakes his head in shame)...

Goku - Now once you've got that done, you just slap your meat slices on the grill and let 'er cook! While these babies are gettin' ready, I'll show you my desert of the day; 'Dumpster Treats'! All you need for this is one moderately sized industrial grade dumpster, and some tongs! Then all you do is take them and fish around in the garbage and eat whatever you pull out!

Director - ...

Goku - Let's try, shall we? (reachs in and ends up pulling out a dirty diaper) Oh...great...

Director - Well Goku, do what you said.

Goku - ...

Director - Eat that sucker up!

Goku - (shakes his head)

Director - Come on! What kind of show is it when the host himself doesn't even do what he teaches! That's just bad manners. Why,  
if I didn't know better, I'd say you were an absolute cowar--

Goku - ALRIGHT!

Director - (smirks)

Goku - (slowly places the diaper near his face) (takes a whiff of it)

(silence)

Director - ...?

Goku - (suddenly pukes) BLLLEUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH--

(We're sorry, but 'Goku's Cooking Show' is experiencing some minor technical difficulties right now. Stay tuned.)

(the show returns)

Goku - (looking violently ill and with puke all the way down his BBQ bib) I hate you...

Director - Hey, you were the one dumpster diving in the first place!

Goku - (shows the director the finger) Oh, welcome back...Now that I've finished puking my brains out and these baloney slices are done, lets go back into the studio and prepare the kabobs. (slowly leaves)

(silence)

Director - (looks both ways) (goes in front of the camera) Hey, watch this. (sneaks up behind Goku)

-(back in the studio)-

Goku - Now that we're back in here, we can finally do--

Director - (from behind Goku) HIYYYAAAAAA! (slaps Goku on the back)

Goku - (projectile vomits all over the place) BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--

(We aplogize for the millionth time, but we are currently experiencing more technical difficult--

(sounds of Goku violently puking and the Director laughing loudly)

Goku - IT'S NOT FUNNY!

-(and now we return!)-

Goku - Don't you ever do that again!

Director - It had to be done...

Goku - SHUT UP! (scoffs) Now then, where was I?-- Oh yes, the kabob's. This next part should be pretty self explanitory, you just take the fried meat and jam it onto these skewers like so-- (stabs the meat onto the kabobs, along with both of his hands in the process) OH MY GOD!

Director - (slaps Goku on the back again)

Goku - (starts puking again) BLEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Director - (falls out of his chair laughing)

-(later on at dinner)-

Goku - (in a wheelchair) (wheels himself out to the main table) Hello again everyone, and welcome to yet another one of my dinner gettogethers. You all already know my asswipe guests I'm sure, so let's just get on with the f---ing kabobs.  
(wheels into the kitchen)

Vegeta - Now's our chance.

Chichi - Right.

Goku - (comes back out) Alrighty then, who wants some-- (gets lynched by Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, and Gohan)

Vegeta - THAT'S FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU HORSE WHIPPED ME!

Bulma - AND THAT'S FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU ELECTROCUTED ME!

Chichi - AND THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE TIMES YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME AN ORGA--

(sound of a record scratching)  
(everyone stops beating on Goku and stares at Chichi)

Chichic - ...Uh...

Director - Hello ratings!

Author - Hello shamelessness!

Goku - (in a daze)...Kabob?...

(everyone laughs and the house explodes for no apparent reason whatsoever)

THE END OF THIS HORRIFIC INSTALLMENT! 


	10. Episode Ten

(cut to Goku, who's dressed in flamboyant and colorful attire)

Goku - Greetings! And welcome to yet another installment of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'. I'm your host Goku, and as I'm sure you already know, this over here is my smartass and ugly as hell Director!

Director - (waves at Goku with his middle fingers)

Goku - Well, today I was greeted with quite a surprise this morning when I checked my emails. One of my many (read: few) fans wrote me and requested that I start making more dishes with baloney in them, like before. That's right folks-- somebody ACTUALLY requested baloney!

Director - Goku, writing yourself a letter doesn't count.

Goku - Haha! Laugh while you can, Mr. Director, for soon it will be the time of reckoning!

Director - (moves around a bit)

Goku - You see, the fear of my being right has him shaking!

Director - No, it's just a bad case of indigestion, that's all.

Goku - Heh, whatever you say.

Director - Probably some of that crap you served at the last staff gettogether! What was it again? 'Baloney and Phlegm' soup or something?

Goku - It was 'Baloney and Parsley', thank you! (scoffs) Anyways, let's get on with cooking already. (walks over to his cooking area) Now then, today's recipe is a personal favourite of mine and the staff around here. It's none other than-- (stops suddenly and looks around) Is...something different around here?...

Director - Whatever could you mean?

Goku - Something doesn't feel right over here...

Director - Could it be...that huge skewer that's somehow impaled through your abdomen?...

Goku - No, I've had that for ages-- This is something else...

Director - Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you; your buddy Asshole-roth did some redecorating around the place. He's quite the talented one!

Goku - You...let...Astaroth touch my personal cooking space?...

Director - Hey, it's not like I could stop him. Those gay demons are a scary bunch!

Goku - I'll deal with the both of you as soon as this episode is over; so help me God! (returns to his counter)  
Now then, as I was saying, today's meal of choice that we'll be making is that of 'Baloney Broth'! Perfect for those occaisons when you've got a nasty cold, or when you're simply in the mood for something tasty and light to eat! Now, firstly, I'm going to get out one of my cooking pots so that I can simmer the meat until the broth is prepared. (reaches into a cupboard) To do so, you'll want to--

Director - Goku, I wouldn't reach into that cupboard if I were y--

Goku - If I wanted your smarmy advice Mr. Director, I think I'd friggen ask for i-- (suddenly looks pained)

Director - Everything alright?

Goku - (pulls his hand out of the cupboard, revealing a large number of knives stuck in it) Who...Who put these in here?...

Director - Astaroth of course! He thought that it would be a whole lot easier for you when cooking if you had all of your blades nearby.

Goku - (pale white and spurting blood from his hands) Okay then...I must remember to thank him later.  
after I get a blood transfusion that is-- but hey, I've still got a recipe to complete! (weakly walks over to his pot) Now...um...Now that we've got our pot out, you'll need to fill it to the top with water, boil it for about ten minutes on the top heat, and then place your baloney slices inside of it.  
After that, just wait about 20 minutes, and your broth will be ready! Let's do this then...(takes the baloney slices, but suddenly passes out and goes face first into the boiling pot)

(sizzling noises)

Director - Huh, that actually smells quite good there! Much better than his usual cooking, that is.

-(one hour and one trip to the emergency ward later)-

Goku - (with countless blisters all over his face and gauze over his hands) Greetings everyone again. As I'm sure you already know, as we last left off, I lost consciousness and ended up dousing my head in boiling hot water, while both of my hands were bleeding profusely. Thankfully, my wonderful staff was able to rush me to the nearby hospital, where they were able to stitch me up and send me back in one piece.  
Unfortunately, though, they were fresh out of blood and thus couldn't give me a proper blood transfusion, but hey, at least I got a cookie to eat here! It--...It's a raisin and oatmeal one, and I'm deathly allergic to raisins, but whatever.

Director - Note to self: force feed Goku raisins in his sleep.

Goku - Now then, let's head back over to the cooking pot, where the baloney broth has hopefully properly completed. (walks over there, looks in the pot, and then holds it up) Ces magnifique! Aside from a few nasal hairs and eyelashes, this broth is ready to be served! (walks over to another counter) Now for today's desert of choice, I'll be showing you how to make an absolutely scrumptious and delectable side of my very own 'Mystery Meat Shortbread'! For this, all you'll need is some flower, sugar, vanilla,  
butter, and a healthy serving of various meat byproducts. Now, since most stores now refuse to sell any type of 'low-grade' meat for consumer use, we're going to have to get them the old fashioned way! Join me outside, won't you?

-(moments later, outside)-

Goku - (walks outside from the studio, where a number of farm animals are standing) Now, a common helping of byproducts consists of the following; pig testicles, horse anuses, chicken lips, and cow intestines.  
Let's cut to a commercial for a second while I 'fetch' these objects from the animals I've gathered out here!

-(commercial)-

Voice - Do you suffer from erectile disfunctions? Do you find it difficult to maintain an erection for more than a few seconds? If either of these are true, then you are a part of the 60 percent of men with 'Bad Boner Syndrome'. As each year passes, more and more men suffer in solitude with this debilitating and embarrassing condition. However, there is hope. With 'Limp-Be-Gone', you'll be fu--

Notice - The MPAA is not permitting the rest of this portion of the commercial to be broadcasted. The remainder will now continue.

Voice - --for weeks on end! Don't suffer in vain. Just listen to these satisfied 'customers'!

Krillin - For years I suffered from erectile difficulties. It got so bad that my wife left me for mass-  
murdering, cross-dressing supervillain!

Freeza - Heheheheheh...

Krillin - But thanks to 'Limp-Be-Gone', not only do I have my 'manhood' back, but I can finally please my wife again!

(silence)

Krillin - This...isn't actually going to be broadcasted is it?...

-(and now, back to the show!)-

Goku - (covered in scratches and bite marks) Well hello again folks, and welcome back to my cooking show. As we last left off, I had set off to 'gather' the necessary byproducts in order to make our desert.  
Unfortunately, I hadn't expected that the animals would fight back so hard when I was trying to pry off their balls, so for today, it seems we're just going to have to use 'imitation-byproducts' instead. Let's go back inside. (walks off, revealing a dog clamped onto his ass)

-(back inside)-

Goku - Now obviously, imitation meat won't make the shortbread turn out quite as good as the real stuff, so we have to--

Astaroth - Well there you are you silly monkey!

Goku - Oh...Asty...How nice to see you...

Astaroth - So, what do you think about the changes I made around here? Be honest: do you like it, or do you love it?

Goku - Well...It's surprising to say the least...Uh--

Astaroth - Hold that thought-- To top it all off, I also got you your very own set of baloney cutting utensils! Made by Ginsu, and extremely expensive.

Director - I didn't know they made baloney apparel.

Astaroth - Oh yes! It's a part of their brand new fall collection!

Goku - Well that's awfully nice! Despite all of the accidents that occurred as a result today, I must say,  
I'm awfully impressed Asty! But, that sure must have cost you a lot of money.

Astaroth - You bet it did! Here's the bill for all the costs. Make the payment out to this address here before the end of the month. See ya later! (walks off)

Goku - (glances down at the bill, which reads "$25,000 dollars") (face turns red) (starts to shake violently)  
Cut to dinner...

Director - What?

Goku - CUT TO THE DAMN DINN--

-(later on, at dinner)-

Goku - (looking extremely stressed out) I...I don't know how the hell I'm going to pay these bills off...I can't handle any more lawsuits, not after the last few-- (gets nudged by the director) What the f-- Oh! I'm back! Hehe...So then, I guess we might as well get dinner started, no?

Vegeta - That's a good idea Kakarott: no.

Goku - (laughs loudly) Oh, Vergetti! You're always the riot of every party!

Vegeta - And you're always the blithering retard, no?

Goku - Now that's just insensitive Vigoda. And those sorts of comments only lead to further prejudice and ignorance!

('The More You Know' flashes on screen with music)

Gohan - The hell did that come from?

Director - We got kicked off the cooking network, so now we're stuck on NBC.

Goku - (shudders violently) Don't even mention the name...Just the thought of it gives me the jibblies!

Director - Similarly to what your food does to your guests, no?

Goku - Alright, that's enough! Let's get this trainwreck started already! (goes out into the kitchen)

Vegeta - Why God? What did I do to deserve this torture?

Goku - (emerges from the kitchen) Well folks, it seems that with all of the commotion going on today, I unfortunately forgot to bring along my soup bowls for eating the broth. So, as an alternative, I will be serving the soup via this massive firehose I have here!

Director - Oh God...

Vegeta - NO KAKAROTT, DON'T--

Goku - (unleashes the hose; blasting broth at everyone at extremely high force)

Krillin - AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Vegeta - (drowning in a pool of broth) BREUERUGHEURGHUREUUGHGUREUGH!

Goku - (screaming) IS IT GOOD! (hits the camera with the stream of broth, breaking it)

(static)

(Message - Due to some baloney related issues, 'Goku's Cooking Tips' show will return in a few moments!)

-(back to the show)-

(the entire house is drenched in broth; walls have holes in them; furniture is destroyed; and Vegeta, Bulma,  
Chichi, Gohan, and Krillin are all dead)

Goku - (drenched in broth and still holding the hose) ...Wow...They weren't kidding when they said 'lethal-  
force'! Uh...Well, I guess that concludes today's deadly episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tip's'. I've been your hazardous and sexy host, Goku-- See you next time!

Director - (cautiously takes a bite of Goku's baloney shortbread)...

(silence)

Director - (suddenly looks pained and drops dead) 


End file.
